Why do I always go for the emotionally unavailable ones? Sigh. Thank god I should finally be moving out soon. It will aid in my social scale so nights like last night I won't feel like I've gone so out of my way to not have a great night. I can just stay in my pjs and watch tv and be a bum in my own place. I've even found an apartment and a great potential roommate! I'm breaking my living with guys rule, but this one seems super clean and laid back and that's just what I need. Plus he doesn't seem like a crazy party animal, so I could actually continue living with him beyond the span of the summer. And I am all for cheap rent. If I can get a place for less than 500 a month with utilities AND a roommate I know, I'm all over that. And for a location that's slightly out of the way so I will be less tempted to be crazy and spend money all the time on food/partying, but that is still in a really fun area. I am so about to make fun of hipsters left and right. Plus the place it a bit small for parties, so this way I won't be tempted to host a ton. Except a housewarming party. That definitely needs to happen. With flip cup. And possibly 80's attire. And definite awesomeness. Apparently Charles and I are going to have a kick ass side yard for throwing fun outdoors stuff, of which I am all over. I do, however, think I could probably help with a decorative update of that place. I'm definitely starting by painting my room. Now I just have to decide if I want to do blue/black or a red/black theme.

Ok, stop counting my chickens, I need to accept this offer first and make sure it's not the overnight shift or something equally craptastic. And decide if I'm going to start my first day on 2 hours of sleep due to NIN in Michigan. I love it when this happens, I start off an entry feeling blah and by the end I feel leaps and bounds better. Talking about getting out of the house always does that for me. Chicago is about to be my city; it's take 8 years to figure that out, but finally I have. Feels pretty awesome. Pretty, pretty awesome. 

And theme updated! In what I like to term, pornographic pink. Good spring time colors, with the blues to return come summer.

I love it when I feel soreness walking around after working out. Makes me feel like I actually did some work in hitting the weights and the asphalt. I was pretty proud of my run today, actually. Although it was a short run (3 miles), I pulled off 8 minute 14 second miles which may not sound like much, but is good for a short- non-runner -girl like me. This is all part of this "Spring Training" type deal I'm working on now. I figure all this free time shouldn't go to complete waste while I look for a job. Plus, I've let myself get out of the habit while dealing with my first Chicago winter since moving to LA. And you know, with the summer coming up and all, I'm going to actually be wearing less clothing. Scandalous! As I told a friend today, I'd go pantsless all the time if it were up to me. I'm big on skirts in particular, but I find dresses have been on the up and up in my wardrobe lately. Now I just need that city job to show off my fabulous summer dresses about town rather than being relegated to not showing them off in the solitude of my room.

So I don't really have anything to write about tonight. And it's late and I should be sleeping, and/or watching Twilight. Heh. But I'm trying to get back into journaling so I shall be back soon for more exciting topics.

Sometimes I really enjoy being single. Other times I really just wish I weren't. Bleh. I'm just so good at chasing the unattainable. I hate dating. I'm not good at it. I'm often too bold and overbearing when I just need to chill the fuck out. Double bleh. I'm too sleepy for this. More tomorrow when I'm actually awake...

I've said it before and I'll say it again most likely. I'm taking a break from men. I know, you are doubting I'll be able to stick to this, which is probably true. But I need it right now. I need a peace of mind I can only find on my own. I need to focus on my PhD interview next month (with hopefully more to follow), on the job hunt, on volunteering, on my future Chicago apartment, on marathon training, on my wonderful friends, on me. It's unlikely I'm going to find anyone worthwhile from a drunken makeout at a bar, no matter whose friend he is or how attractive or funny or nice he appears to be. It's just so hard because I am so very lonely. I don't have the chance to see as many people living at my parents' house and as a people person that really takes a toll on my sanity. Last night, for instance, was a rough one. My eyes are still puffy from all the crying I did. And I know part of this is being a girl with stupid hormones and feeling a sense of overwhelming worthlessness in having a masters and having been unemployed for just about 9 months. Part of this comes from issues with my past that I'm trying to work out. And part of this is just who I am, a dramatic girl with what feels like too much emotion for her own body.

I just need to focus for a little while and something will come. I don't have enough faith in myself and I'm terrified that all this time off will be a waste if I don't end up with either an amazing job or a PhD program acceptance in hand. If that happens, you should keep an eye out, because it's not going to be pretty. My masochistic side has already been overworked with all the binge eating and drinking I've been engaging in; and of course my recklessness with my heart doesn't help.

You know what I'd really like right now, someone who'll make me a mix cd. That would be stellar. I was telling an old friend last night, I make mix cds for my friends fairly regularly. Right now I've been commissioned to make one for funny guy. But interestingly enough, I very rarely receive one. I can think of three total from memory that I've been given (but I could be wrong), and another of which only sorta counts. One tape from Adam in high school when he couldn't express himself in words where he took pieces of songs to compile a 5-10 minute thing (this is the one that counts, but doesn't), two from Andrew senior year full of good/slightly sappy songs (one of which I left in the lab I worked in and was later stolen), and one from Christian when he was abroad that's actually an MP3 cd with about 100 songs. Let me tell you this, those three cds took a severe beating. As a music person, it's something I really love, when a person picks out songs for you that he or she thinks you don't necessarily already know, but that you will like. Sigh. I've made dumb mushy mixes for nearly every boy I've dated for more than a few weeks, good rock-pop mixes for Jess, mixes of songs when I knew I couldn't express my emotions in words to someone, mixes for someone who didn't really listen to modern music, mixes of my favorite songs that I thought someone else might also enjoy. I've made so many of these damn things, it makes me sad to think I haven't received one since 2005. And this isn't a passive plea to you all to make me a mix. I just really would enjoy being the recipient of one more frequently. I'm a simple girl; I don't need fancy clothes or shoes or gadgets or jewelry to brighten my day. A song will do it. And if someone (because I make a habit of dating musicians) were ever to write or sing me a song, I think I would die. Seriously, to anyone who reads this and wants me, take note. You do that, no matter how it goes, I'd probably propose to you right there.

HA. I'm ridiculous. I have so many silly thoughts in this brain of me. I only wish I had the time and means to write them all down. And with that, I will end this post and go work on those Vday cookies I'm making for my friends. More to come when I find the time to sort my thoughts out more fully.